Antsy angst etc

I am feeling so antsy.  So fidgety.  So incredibly unsatisfied with my 'right now'.  I want time to speed up but slow down all at the same time (with a smidge of a rewind option as well, of course).  Surely that's not asking too much?  For time to change, adjust, warp, just for me?

I'd like to rewind and re-choose a few of the choices I made along the path to my 'right now'.  Perhaps I'd register with that international company for travelling au pair opportunities directly after completing my child care course at 19 years old.  Maybe I'd leap on a cruise ship and work children's entertainment and baby-sitting for the rich and holidaying whilst travelling to far off places and getting to see a bit of the world myself.  Whisking off to exotic locations with some rich family and watching their tots while they topped the ski slopes or partied at glitzy hollywood dos.  Who knows?

Perhaps... no, not perhaps : definitely I'd go through with my first ever choosing of IUI with DS.  Crazy to think that that was when I was 25 or 26 and we'd just found out how crazily pricey having IVF with ICSI would be.  Totally out of reach.  Pretty much the cost of half a house in Zim in those days.  A nice house too.  I even filled the script for Fertiboost, the little yellow pills my kind GP prescribed pre gynae booking.  Perhaps it would've resulted in a "live birth" first time.  Yeah,  that's what they call it when fertility treatment results in an actual full term (or preemie) living, breathing baby.  Perhaps we would have a 12 year old child right here, 'right now'.  We would've been through pregnancy, the joys, the stretchmarks, the aches, the pains.  The birth, the awe, the milestones, the birthdays.  The play school, the creche, the learning to tie up shoes.  Gosh, we'd almost be into the joys of puberty and all that goes along with it.

Perhaps I would've taken that first South Africa job I interviewed successfully for.  Maybe I wouldn't have gone absolutely loony-bin crazy with having to deal with medical aid clients, their queries, their bitching and their tears?  Nope - I would've lost it mentally I'm sure.  Turning it down was a right move after all.

Maybe I'd stick with my piano lessons after my school years and actually progress to being good.  Maybe I'd be able to carry some of the more prettily soft praise & worship songs that we do each Sunday & not feel like I was letting the team down by just being a blender.  Perhaps the skill would've given me the confidence to sing out like I so battle to do now.

Aarrrrrrr.  Just frustrated, that's all.  It helps to vent.  There ya go.  Done.  Bottle closed again.  Will vent again another time.